When I get like this, there is usually only one thing that can get me out of it. It's simple, but it really seems to help. Stream of consciousness writing. Julia Cameron teaches it in her book, The Artist's Way and she urges her readers/students to write something she calls "morning pages." Now, the criteria for morning pages is simple- three pages of longhand done first thing in the morning. You literally just wake up and start writing. Sometimes they make sense and sometimes they are just rambling. There's no editing and you don't go back and read them. It's your way of starting your day fresh by getting things off of your mind and clearing your head to allow creativity to come through. When I first tried them, it was difficult because I didn't know what to write about with sleep still in my eyes. Sometimes I would have trouble starting because I would still have pieces of a dream playing in my head or, even worse, nothing at all. I usually have music playing so if I didn't know what to say, I would start by mentioning what song was playing and then it would get me going and no matter how little I had to say that day, I would force myself to write three pages. Before long, I started writing three pages at night, too. It would help me clear my head and made me feel more relaxed. I kept these up for months and it was interesting when I would go back and read them. I paid attention to the things I mentioned over and over and that was another catalyst for this blog- pinpointing clear things I wanted for myself and for my life and going out and making them happen.
Anyway, the whole point of mentioning this type of writing is that it makes you feel vulnerable. You aren't allowed to edit like you normally can when you express yourself and sometimes you read thoughts you never realized you had. I don't always let myself be vulnerable because you see things that you don't want to. But when you allow yourself to open up, you are inviting change in. What good is writing down thoughts and goals if you aren't going to do anything about them? You want to be a world traveler? Great. Buy a ticket. That's the only difference between a jet setter and someone who only dreams about seeing foreign places. Now, of course, I realize sometimes there are logistics and/or financial challenges involved, but you get my point. What recurring thoughts or goals do you have that you aren't following through with and why?
I had thought about just doing stream of consciousness writing here but I knew that would make me vulnerable because in order to do it "right", you're not supposed to think. Just write. But what if I spell something wrong? What if someone's name comes up that I don't want to mention? What if someone reads it and has a different opinion of me than they did before? Well too bad. This is my year of removing the "what ifs" and changing them to the "I dids." I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. Technically these should be longhand but I'm just going to set a timer and type for 15 minutes and see what happens. I can't promise it will make any sense but I'm going to do it anyway.
Ludovico is playing right now. That;s not a surprise, because I listen to him just about everyday. Right now it's "Berlin Song" which has become one of my favorites. I heard it when I saw him in Vancouver but I didn't know the name of it. It's hard to find the names of songs without words because, well, you can't exaclty Google lyrics. I had a moment yesterday. It was beautiful. I always feel like my "signs" are musical. I've felt that since I was a kid. Music speaks to me in a language I understand better than anything else. Even though I don't play any instruments, music is a part of me and is always with me. I can't count the number of times I have been in situations where I wondered why I was there. And then I would hear a song or a a band that meant something to me and it would reassure me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Usually it has to do with Counting Crows. I hear the most random CC songs in the most random places and I KNOW it's for me. That;'s weird. Anyway, I was in a funk yesterday. And I got this notice on my phone that the iTunes Festival in London was avialable and that you could listen in real time, for free. It was during my lunch and I was sitting at my desk working on a...less than cooperative Excel spreadsheet and I was listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Tunnel of Love" album. It was nearing the end and I decided to check iTunes to see if any artists were playing right then. Since they only have 2-3 artists play a day, I wasn't expecting much. Much to my surprise and sheer delight, Ludovico was playing AT THAT MOMENT. And I got to hear it live. And it was fucking beautiful. I only caught the last hour or so but it was breathtaking. It took me right back to that place I was in when I came back from Vancouver and it was amazing. About 10 minutes in, he played "I Giorni" which is the song that always gets me and I started to cry. At my desk during lunch. Onto my Jimmy John's. Ridiculous. It was so surreal but exactly what I needed. It's almost a joke with my friends when I share experiences like this because they happen so often. But do I notice it because I let myself be open to it or does everyone have this in their life only they don't talk about it? And if they don't share it, why don't they? I talk about Ludovico a lot. He comes up a lot these days. A few weeks ago Meredith posted an inspirational video on her FB page and Divenire happened to be the background music. She had no idea. Then last week I was with the other Meredith in her office. It was about 10:00 at night after a rough day and she had the "Jem" pandora station on. But about 5 minutes after I came in, Ludovico started playing. Now, he has no business being on that Pandora station since his music is not even close to hers but for some reason I happened to be there to catch it. Crazy. Speaking of crazy, my 1 second video today was showing off the new ios 7. I feel like I have a totally different phone. There are definitely some cool features but things look so very different. I was planning on getting the new iPhone 5s this weekend but I might hold out for awhile since this feels like a brand new phone and mine's still in great shape.
The timer went off and I'm following the rules and not going back and reading what I wrote. I can, however, see red underlines in my view so I know that paragraph is peppered with typos but I'm ok with that. I'll get things back on track with the blog soon, because things have been or are in the process of being crossed off the list and their is much to report! In the meantime, I challenge you to do morning pages tomorrow. Get up 15-20 minutes earlier than normal and give yourself this time to just let go. Don't edit, don't over think it, and don't write for an audience. What if you did it for a week? A month? A year? What do you think you'd find out about yourself that you never realized? Try it and this see if you notice any patterns. You might be surprised.
